Several times my twin sister would want to rip my head off out of frustrated anger. “I can’t always be there for you salamat. Your calm nature is now bordering on stupidity. That is why nobody will respect you. Too much of everything is not good.” “My husband loves me though.” I retorted, telling myself not to get angry, she was only speaking out of love for me. “Of course your husband would love you like that, why wouldn’t he? When you do anything he says, if that man should say ‘Salamat move that mountain to my back yard, you will find a way of doing it with a smile on your face.” “Haba Sadiya.” “How is that any different from when he brought that slut to your home and told you to spend the night in the living room while she used the bed…with him on the same bed.” “He said she was a new revert and her parents had abandoned her. She had nowhere to go.”
“So you left your matrimonial bed and husband for her? Knowing you, you probably told yourself that he wasn’t doing anything but hold her hands so she wouldn’t have a bad dream.” Well that wasn’t exactly what I kept telling myself but it was close.
“You are sounding like it is bad to be good.” “It is bad to be THIS GOOD. This one is your ticket to hell on earth even God Himself will frown upon you, you could easily be the woman who went to hell for outright stupidity.” That is my sister for you. Sometimes when she speaks with such vehemence, I literally feel the sharpness of her words piercing my skin.
But she was right—as always. I am too considerate for my own good. Friends come to me, for instance, to ‘borrow’ money as if I was an ATM and never bother returning it. They know I can’t meet them for it even if I am in dire need of the money. And yet for the life of me, I can’t seem to become the person my sister wants me to be. I want to—I really do. I just don’t know how to. I don’t know how to say no and if someone is rude to me, I return the favor with a smile—they are probably having a bad day—is what I will tell myself. I am worse at confrontations; I simply melt into a puddle of tears. At night I go to sleep a tired, angry and cheated woman. This continued for years until one fateful morning…
When I returned to life that morning after a long and deep sleep, my eyes weren’t even drowsy from the sleep as was normal. I was lying on my back under the warmth of my thick blanket when my eyes snapped open. I was not conscious of anything but the anger that slipped into me like the harmattan cold. It had my breath coming fast, my brows drawn together and my eyes blazing with fire! My husband was my first victim—I didn’t like the way he was snoring. I threw back the covers, matched to the bathroom and came back with a bowl of cold water—it was 190celsius outside and my husband is prone to pneumonia.
When the water slapped into his gigantic head, he squealed and dropped off the bed like an epileptic patient. While he sputtered and looked around him in confusion, I just stood there studying him.
“Salamatu!”
He usually calls me honey. This probably wasn’t the time for endearments. “Salamatu, did you just pour cold water on me?” He sputtered out.
“Yes you were snoring like a pig. Consider the fact that you are not the only one using the bed.” With that I left the room leaving him with his mouth hanging open. In my son’s room, I woke him up to prepare him for school. I could see he was already up but he wanted to go through our morning routine where he will kick and punch at me while yelling. “Leave me alone I don’t want to go to school.” I was silent as I pulled down his P.J shorts. When he saw that I was getting my way without the usual pet names and promises, he proceeded to his favorite part…which was calling me names. “Stupid Mummy, Stupid Mummy!” he kept yelling, bouncing on the bed. I caught him, slammed him face down on the bed, and proceeded to give him three hot spanks. He brushed, bathed and wore his uniform in record silence. I went past my mother-in-law on my way to the kitchen to prepare breakfast; she was coming out of her room. “Honey, why are my clothes not yet pressed? You know I am going to the office today.” My husband demanded coming into the kitchen. I took six eggs and cracked them into a bowl and began to whisk. “There is iron in the laundry room, hurry before the power goes out.” “What does that mean?” he asked looking like I had spoken in German. “Are you implying that I should press my clothes myself? What happened to you doing them before we got out of bed? What is wrong with you this morning?!”
I poured the eggs in the pan and started frying it. “Salamatu take these clothes and have them ironed this minute!”
Calm as still water.
“My dear, it’s like you don’t want to go to work today.”
Just then my mother in-law joined us in the kitchen.
“My daughter, have you seen me this morning?”
“Why Mama Yes I have, were you looking for yourself?” I went to the store for bread and came back to find them watching me.
“Have you greeted me today?” My mother in-law gritted out.
“Good morning Mama.”
Her brows shot up, I am guessing because I didn’t proceed to kneel before her for a whole minute so she could finally pat me on the head and say I could stand up.
“Breakfast will be served in five minutes.”
At the dining, three pairs of eyes followed my every movement as I served breakfast. Especially my husband who was forced to wear his clothes rumpled because the power had gone out before he could get to the laundry room.
“What is this Salamtu?”
“Why food of course.”
“You know I prefer pancakes for breakfast, Junior takes waffles and Mama is Fufu and Ewedu soup.”
“I don’t have time for all that this morning. Toasted bread and scrambled eggs for breakfast has never killed anybody in history and it won’t start with you guys.”
I then turned to my mother in-law who looked like she had swallowed a bug.
“Mama eat, you will enjoy it.”
When I turned to my son and he saw the look on my face he immediately picked up his fork and wolfed down his breakfast.
“Yomi you are not saying anything, how can you keep quiet when your mother is being starved in her own son’s house.” She cried to her son.
“Salamatu…” he began
“Mama God forbid that you starve in your son’s house, it’s a good thing you are a woman, enter the kitchen, I am going to start cleaning the house.”
Three hours later I was sweeping the compound when the power was restored so I went into the house to put my phone on charge, by the time I came back out Mr. Umoru was standing in the compound looking around him with a sneer on his face, when he saw me he looked down his nose at me.
“Salamatu how are you this morning?” he asked, his face a perfect combination of a fake smile and a sneer.
“I am fine Sir.”
He made a show of stepping over the broom I was using while raising his trousers as if the dried leaves and nylon about will stain him.
“Is you husband at home?”
He knew my husband was never home at this time of the day. I told him no.
“Ok I was just passing by and said let me check on him and see how his home was fairing.”
Of course
He made to leave, paused and turned to look at me again.
I wasn’t surprised. It was his signature move.
“Let me advice you Salamatu” he began wearing condescension like a cloak.
“Your husband is a well respected doctor in this community, imagine if he was the one that walked in now with important colleagues…the embarrassment he would experience.”
I studied my surroundings as he droned on, the anger sipping into my blood stream. This is the second time I am sweeping the compound this morning, all thanks to mama and her melon peels and the Forest Flame shedding its flowers every minute, the place definitely isn’t as bad as he is portraying it to be. I turned my attention back to him.
“This is why men seek for other wives…” he was saying. I simply studied him. When people were evolving from Homo Erectus to Homo Sapiens he was probably too busy meddling to have noticed. Hence his unmistakable resemblance to apes, complete with the furs, the flat nose and the yellow teeth. The fact that he was also fat and black didn’t help his condition at all. “You stay home all day doing nothing while he works and brings home money, and yet…” he smiled probably thinking that would remove the sting from his words, but all I saw was king Kong spreading its lips.
“You are a good woman and I like you, that is why I choose to advice you every ones in a while. A woman should keep the home…”
I had had enough.
I bent down, picked up my broom and continued sweeping from where he was standing. He had to jump away, his stomach leading the way.
“Salamatu what has gotten into you, didn’t you see me standing there?”
I straightened.
“How can I miss you?” I asked him, my gaze brushing down his size.
“It’s just that I was eager to put your advice to use, we don’t want my husband walking through that gate with his important colleagues and being embarrassed now do we?” I continued sweeping towards his legs and his tummy dragged the rest of him toward the gate.
“What is wrong with this girl today? Do you know that I am old enough to give birth to you?”
I stopped again.
“Mr. Umoru, you are not old enough to give birth to me but you are old enough to give birth to wayward children.”
His tiny round eyes bulged out.
“Who do you think your daughter is pregnant for? No, do you even know your daughter is pregnant? Everybody in this community knows it except you. How will you know? When you hop from one compound to another at every opportunity, dishing them unwanted ‘advice’. Well here is one for you; your house is on fire—what with your wives sleeping with anything that walks in pantaloons—while your children probably do it with each other. You will agree with me that your home needs the services of a fire department. Stop taking Panadol for other people’s headaches and start taking retroviral drugs for yourself, I won’t be surprised if you are HIV positive.” By the time I was done with him, he was a hospital case.
12:30 in the afternoon I left the house to get my son from school. I was walking down my street, towards the main road, when I passed by Ijeoma’s house and overhead her talking to someone on the other side of the gate.
“Please manage this ₦5000, when I get the remaining money by next week I will send it to you.” Eh?! She was giving somebody 5000 naira when she hasn’t given me the 3000 naira she has being owing me for the past one year?
I pushed open the gate and they jumped in fright at the sudden movement.
“Ha ah! Salamatu is someone after you?” she asked looking over my shoulders.
I snatched the money from her and turned back, she grabbed my arm.
“Are you possessed? That is my money.” The other woman that was to receive the money could only gape at me.
“Did you say your money?” I asked Ijeoma.
“Where is the money you borrowed from me since last year February?”
The woman had to think before she knew what I was talking about.
“Haba! Salamatu, you surprise me. Things are not done like that na. Bring this one first, I said I will give you your money and I will.”
“No need, you have already given me the money.” I removed two thousand naira from the money and offered it to her. When she saw that I was being serious, she started to panic and stepped away from my outstretched hand, refusing to collect the money.
“Nneka I have given you your money.” She said to the other woman.
Nneka turned to me.
“That is my money.”
“Are you stupid? The money did not exchange hands, I took it from her not you.”
With that I threw the excess money on the floor and left, leaving the two women arguing.
5:30 that evening, I was in the kitchen making soup when my mother in-law joined me. She stared at the parboiled meat I left to drain in the basket and released an ear splitting hiss, she then grabbed a knife and took the basket.
“Wasting the hard earned money my son is making, look at how big these meats are.”
I waited until she sliced the first piece of meat before snatching the basket from her and emptied its content into the pot on the stove. I then turned back and collected the knife from her.
“You will tell me today whether this is my husband’s house or your husband’s house…you old little witch. After cutting this meat into the size of a chick’s brain and my husband starts to complain you will be quiet, so it then looks like I am being stingy with the money he gives me for food.”
I slammed down the knife on the counter.
“This is my husband’s house please, if I want to eat meat the size of Kilimanjaro, I will. When you were a young bride was I there hovering over you like the witches of Oz? No. So please allow me to drink water and drop cup in my house.”
I had never seen a person age right in front of my eyes, but by the time I was done she looked 150 instead of her 71 years. She creaked to her room, too apoplectic to have uttered a word.
For the next one month everybody walked on egg shells around me. It was like a tyrant had descended upon the house. The only person glowing with joy around me was my twin sister.
“That’s what I’m talking about sis!”
And this was after I told her, her best friend looked like a baby orangutan.
Then came the threats of a second wife
“If you don’t marry another woman to curb that woman’s stubbornness I will curse you till I die.”
I overheard her saying to my husband, and not for the first time I wondered why she was still alive. The Angel of death just kept missing her. I will ensure I add her name and our address the next time I am praying for her............to be continued Next Week Wednesday
*******Story By Empressamin, Graduate of ABU Zaria****************